Moments like this, playing back the songs that take me back to another place… I can’t help the memories pouring over me like iced water… If I close my eyes, I can feel it, like I am back there. And I can’t escape it. Word to the wise: sometimes I need to write. Not just write, but write as I used to on the blank pages of my Moleskines… Let it out. Just let it out.
Back in time…
I am packing a duffle bag in my study. With me are two good friends that came over. I think I might have called them. They watch me pack.
One of them says, “You sure about this?”
I look at her and just say “What do you think.”
My dad shows up by the study door, crosses his arms, and watches me as I push something into the bag.
I zip it closed, and look at my friends.
“I’m gonna need a place to crash for a few days.”
They look at each other.
The boy looks at my dad, as if to ask permission to speak, the girl’s eyes are on me, as if begging me not to do this.
My dad just keeps looking at me. Silent.
I look back at him.
“Dad… I am going to DJ. I really want to do this. You told me to get out of your house, well…”
I stop. His look shows no anger, just… Disappointment. It cuts me deep.
The boy looks at me. Then at my father. Then starts slowly, “Man, you really need to think this through…” I cut him off, “Fuck you!”
He’s out. I look at her.
“Can I crash at your place or not?” I ask her.
I can feel the weight of the world on her shoulders. She opens her mouth to speak, but my dad stops her.
“Alright.” he says. I look at him. “Dad, I really want to do this.” I start. But he just repeats, in a final tone, “I said alright.”
And he turns his back on us and disappears.
I get to stay home, after all.
[finis]
And that’s how I became a DJ. For a while.
Sorry, dad. I just needed it so bad… I miss you.
